Monday, January 11, 2016

Anxiety & Outgrowing

How are you guys liking the new layout? Very pink and aesthetically pleasing, I know. So it is officially one week into 2016, and may I just say; it's not like 2015 yet. But that also might be because I've learned to get up from the table when love is no longer being served. Also, on that topic, it seems as though I'll be spending practically everyday with someone who forced me to stay and made me pay the bill. It feels as though I'm still in debt over it even though I've moved to a different table with people who will never stop ordering more love and give me theirs.

I have to spend everyday with him because he's in stage crew and I'm a lead in our school play. Whenever I sing or say a line, I hear him and his friends making fun of me and mimicking me; like I'm some goddamned joke. I also don't know all of my lines and our play is barely 3 weeks away. It feels as if he wants to drive my life into a living hell and spiral me back into the depression and suicidalness I tried to keep away from him. I don't know if I actually heard it or it was my anxiety that's making me think that they are.

Despite the fact that he's haunting me, I can say I've outgrown him and that I'm happier without him and I embrace that. But outgrowing is part of maturing, and it feels like I'm maturing with every breath.

A very good old friend of mine was being very disrespectful to some friends whom I genuinely care about as well, it's just that we don't know each other as well. This new group of friends tried to talk to my friend- let's call her Valerie- and asked her to stop and that for whatever they did wrong, they probably didn't mean it and that they're sorry and that they're always there if Valerie needed them. But Valerie is so stuck on hating them, she said some very mean words about the girls in this new group. Meaner than what she's said before. Talking about how none of us have any problems.

Valerie thinks that because we have a lot of friends and people know our names is because we're stuck up and bitchy and have no problems and push out anyone who doesn't have a picture perfect life. Valerie doesn't care that some of us have attempted suicide, some of us have depression, some of us have struggled with eating disorders, some of us have skin issues, some of us self harm, some of us have deep set health issues, some of us have divorced parents, some of us have deceased siblings, some of us had to literally beg our doctors to let us play sports, some of us have dealt with abuse (whether it be a family member struggling with substance abuse or an emotional/physical/verbally abusive boyfriend/girlfriend), some of us have chronic illnesses, and some of us have recovered from that. But, because we have a number of people we talk to, there's no problems; right, Valerie?

And, because of Valerie's outrageous cutthroat actions, I have decided to cut her out of my life as I have enough of that within my own family. Now, don't get me wrong, this has taken a LOT out of me to say enough is enough. Valerie has always been like this, but everyone has to say enough when they pass a breaking point.

When the glass cracks, that's when you give a warning. Foolishly, I didn't. When the glass breaks, that's when you start to fade away. I didn't for the sake of keeping my relationship with my boyfriend intact so I wouldn't lose him. When someone smashes the glass to dust, that's when you're supposed to smash someone's face in.

Granted, I didn't. I thought about it, but I don't do that. Why? Because I'll be overreacting. Because I'll only create even MORE problems, and I think I have enough as I'm stressing over college and getting over my ex and recovering.

So before someone comments "oh you left Valerie you're going to destroy her you're going to make her depressed" let me just tell you that when someone leaves, it's usually not because they were done using you. A lot of times, yes; but it usually isn't. Someone probably left you because they were either toxic for you or you were poisonous for them.