Wednesday, August 17, 2016

School Is In A Few Days And I'm Screaming

      So guess who still hasn't made it past page 45 in either of her summer reading books, needs to start and finish all ten responses (aka mini essays), and literally has no school supplies while schools is literally in two weeks? You guessed it; this ol' gal!

      In case you haven't read the title yet, I'm internally screaming. Like, in my mind; it's nonstop, continuous, uninterrupted screeching.

      Everyone is telling me "You're not even going to remember high school!" "High school is the best four years of your life! You'll hold it dear to your heart forever!" "High school is going to literally be the worst four years of your life. You're going to hate it and everyone around you and contemplate murder AND homicide at the same time and you're probably even going to attempt t one of those; or even both."

      So, yknow, anxiety levels are at an all time high and still dead and screaming inside and even sobbing a little bit. Why can't I just hear a "You're going to have good moments, bad moments. amazing moments, horrific moments; like pretty much any other year of your life. They're going to be pretty average. Don't worry if you didn't party enough or had enough friends or fit in well or if you got bullied; because there's so much other shit to worry about that you'll be focusing on when you graduate, you won't really care if high school was amazing or horrific because it. does. not. matter. whether. or. not. high. school. was. good. to. you. or. not. all. that. matters. is. what. you. take. from. what. you. learned. and. how. you. apply. it. to. real. life. after. high. school."

      But that's yet to happen. So, yknow, whatever. I'll just tell myself that after numerous mental breakdowns and crying over a super size chicken selects meal with a diet coke in the passenger's seat of the family's BADASS MINIVAN (yes, she does have a title. yes, she's a she. yes, it's necessary that the title be in italics, bolded, and underlined. sometimes we even call her Sylvia as a joke. yes, it's very weird. weirdness is genetic in my family, and Sylvia is a part of it.)

      But my mom is already talking to me about college. Like, we've had conversations about it and she instantly shot down my dreams in the past, but now she's acting as if I'm going to be applying this year. Like, no. I'm about to turn 14, I'm going to be a freshman in 14 days, got a few more years to add stuff to my resume, give me time to think, and actually have my high school years; thank you very much.

      By the way, I went to the mall on Sunday for back-to-school shopping; I left with some earrings (some were missing so they were on clearance), a sticker, some pins, a crop top my mother would never let me out of my house in, candles, and a full stomach. Literally, none of my "back to school" shopping was actually going to help me out with school.

      Like, I need new notebooks, new folders, more post-its; all that fun stuff--yet here I am with no money because I pretty much ate it all. How was it supposed to help me in any way, shape, or form? I have no clue, because its digested and gone now. Like, I literally went into the mall with I think around $50, and literally left with 67 cents. I wish I was being over exaggerating or joking, but i'm not. Once I got home, I checked my account and it literally said YOU HAVE $0.67 CENTS IN YOUR ACCOUNT. The words stared back into my soul because it was on McDonald's, candy, Starbucks, soda, all that schnazzy food stuff.

      By the way, if anybody wants to buy a 1-inch or 2-inch binder from me, hit me up; because at graduation, Mrs. Breinard and Mrs. Davey were going to throw out every binder and get rid of them because no one took their binders back, so me and my cousin literally raided every single binder, cleaned them out, and took the ones we wanted. Like I actually left with an entire box filled with 1-inch binders because that's how many I wanted.

      If I can save money, I will do so. "Free" is my favorite word. "Buy one, get one free" you bet my ass is right there. If there is a good sale or something is up for grabs; you can bet on all your dead family, I'm right there taking it all.

      Like, I'm no longer allowed to shop at Target because it's fantastic stuff and really cheap prices and my card is in the negatives after checkout. I basically need rehab for my shopping addiction I literally do not have any self-control.

      And don't get me started on Primark. I was so pumped for the store to come to America because it was a British store and all my favorite British youtubers shopped there and got the cutest stuff and have you seen the damn prices. Everything was less than $15 (except for the shoes, but they were for like $25 which is hella cheap nowadays) and I was basically sobbing from all the good sales. Also, their candles, holy fuck. I literally only had $4 when I went in there and I bought three candles.

      Their candles are freaking amazing. They're basically Yankee Candle just a little bit smaller and way cheaper. Their candles literally smell better than anything at LUSH. I wish I was joking. It's very hard to top LUSH, but god dammit, it's amazing. I got a vanilla candle for 60 cents, a blueberry candle for 90 cents (which I didn't think was possible but it is), and a "fluffy marshmallow" candle for 90 cents as well. The marshmallow and blueberry candle look like mason jars, and it's cute, but the sound of the metal against the glass when you screw the cap on sounds like nails on a chalkboard; but that could just be me.

      But like how am I every going to focus on school if I'm thinking about shopping? Like, I've never been into the whole "always being at the mall" vibe most of my friends have; but holy shit, I now understand. Like, if I was born rich, I would literally be broke. That's how bad my shopping addiction has become.

      Sorry if my blog posts are getting cringeworthy, but it's what's on my mind and I promised myself I would post monthly so this is the best I got. Sorry folks *throws horrific finger guns* but that's all for tonight

Friday, July 22, 2016

Short Note Because I Only Have 8 More Days To Make This Post

      So, as of right now, it is July 22nd, and apparently (as I've learned from BuzzFeed), the "Summer Midpoint" is August 1st. We're going back to school in 5 weeks. I'm internally dying inside. I've spent the last 4 or 5 weeks literally sleeping in and watching YouTube/Netflix. And I'm okay with doing that for an extra two weeks. Technically, incoming freshmen go in on August 31st because of Freshman Orientation bleh bleh bleh.

      I hate everything, and I still have 5 weeks left. And, I have the summer reading essays that are extra credit that my mom is insisting is mandatory. For someone who loves literature and writing and reading, you'd think I'd be less annoyed about summer reading or reading books in English class--but get this: I'm fine with everything "school" related, as long as it's not for a grade. Because that sucks the fun out of everything.

      Schools sucks ass. It sucks the fun out of learning and things I actually genuinely and wholeheartedly enjoy and there's just this aura of fake people and hate and stupidity and public school is shit, man.

      Apparently a good distraction from that is a job but no one wants to hire 14 year olds anywhere near me, it's all 16+ and the only places that do hire 14 year olds are all the way in Patterson and I'm not walking that far for money. I live practically on the border of Carmel and Stormville and Holmes; and I also have the athletic stamina of the average 4 year old; so I'll just be broke for two more years.

Friday, June 3, 2016

The Oxford Comma Is Livin Like Larry

Hey guys! Sorry I couldn't make a blog post last month, my computer has been just doing weird crap recently. I'm really sorry about that guys. I'll see if I can make two blog posts this month, even though we all know that that's not going to happen; I'm still going to try.

I know that this is a really weird question, but what is the internet's latest obsession with the oxford comma? You'd think that is was a pop star or some new band but it's literally just a regular literary item used for lists. Like there's fanpages for it. Did something happen that involved the oxford comma that I missed and now I'm just looking at the aftermath like what is happening honestly.

So my school honestly feels like it's Valentine's day overload, and it's freaking June. There's all these couples around me, going on dates, hanging out, loving each other, being best friends; and I'm pretty much just sitting by my phone for 3 weeks silently begging for my boyfriend to text me back.

Livin like Larry, amiright folks?

Also, another thing, how can you be nice to your boyfriend's ex when they were dating and call them a whore behind their back, but then when you start dating your boyfriend, you openly just start calling them a whale and a hoe and make fun of them/harass them online for a bunch of shit; and then play the fucking victim?

Like no, that shit's not okay. It has never been okay and it will never be okay. Like how freaking lonely, insecure, and depressed do you have to be do stoop down so fucking low and only find happiness in talking shit about others?

Unless you're GFMSROASTS2016, then you're just an annoying little twat who thinks that you're better about everybody and that your roasts are A1 fire when in reality, they're watery as shit.

People I strongly dislike are now going to be referred to as GFMSROASTS2016. It's a mouthful, but it's worth it.

Oh! Or when you talk shit about one of your friend's friend and they say something to such friend, and suddenly they're fake? Like excuse me, you were talking shit behind someone's back and then was nice to their face, but you're not fake; but someone saying "hey our friend was saying some crap about you earlier" makes them fake AF.

Got it. So to fake people, everyone being real is fake and everyone who supports you being fake and joins in with your silicone personality is real. That's not weird at all.

But I'm one to talk. I literally run a blog were I tell the whole world my shit and my friends' shit and then don't delete posts when the problem is over with. At least everything I say behind people's back, I usually say it to their face first. And quite frankly, I usually talk good about people behind their back, though I do get pissy like every other 8th grader that literally ever existed.

Monday, April 11, 2016

It's All Fun And Games Until Someone Gets Used ~Intense Language~

Hey guys! I know it's not the first or some special date, but it feels weird not updating my blog. So, first off, how's everyone been doing? Hope the past month had been swell.

My past month has been...let's just say I've had better, I've been better, I've felt better, and all around been better.

I know I've gotten into this kind of stuff previously, but here I go again about losing friends.

So I have this friend, let's call her Belle, has kind of been a bitch lately. I noticed her depression was starting to slip back, and I texted her to remind her that I was always there and to make sure she was alright; because that's what you're SUPPOSED to do when someone you genuinely care about is feeling down in the dumps.

Well, Belle replied "Oh no! I'm fine. I've just been meh lately, but if something's wrong, I'll tell you. You're always there for me. You're such a great friend, especially for asking." Pretty standard but meaningful text, right? You would think that we'd be closer and communicating better (even though we never communicated catch my drift).

Then Belle started to push me away. So, like anybody else, I started to think oh god what did I do oh no what if I did something that made her really upset and she just doesn't want to talk about it with me because she thinks she's "going to start a conflict" what if I go to her because that might be what she needs

So I text Belle "are you mad at meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee???" And I shit you not, all I get is
"I'm just figuring out the kind of people I want to be around in this town and I'm figuring out who my real friends are"

Well that sure as fuck doesn't sound like the person that had text me just a couple of days ago saying how much a great friend I was for being there for her.

And I feel as though she might've just used me because I was there. And let me tell you, that's a motherfucking shit feeling, my friends. To know that you were always there for a certain someone, that you were the best person and friend you could possibly be, that you stressed the absolute fuck out of a nice gift for that person; only to realize that they can't be bothered to give to fucks about you.

Anyone will say this, but when your absolute best isn't enough, it just gets you. The moment you realize that someone who's been in your life for years sees you as expendable, how the fuck are you supposed to just go "okay" and roll over like it's nothing? Sorry motherfucker, I'm not you.

And I can't fucking understand that absolute bullshit. Someone is there for you, 24/7, 7 days a week, 365 days a fucking year; and you can just say "oh that's not a person I want in my life" without no fucking explanation.

Everyone is 150% allowed to drop people who are unhealthy for them or just have no use to them, but I think a shoulder to cry on is a pretty important use of someone and I don't recall any behavior of mine that I think would've been damaging to our friendship (besides exploiting their scandals anonymously on this blog).

Granted, I'm a teenager. It's supposed to feel like your world is falling apart. Being a teenager is when you grow up, and this is just the start of it. But whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy?

It's all fun and games until someone gets used and then thrown away.

Tuesday, March 1, 2016

Quick Little Note

Hey guys! I just wanted to make a post now so I can explain if there won't be a post next month. I've been kind of down in the dumps lately. And by lately, I mean for the past month. I know this is really dumb of me to post about it via the internet where everyone I talk about can see (and they do) but I just need a break.
From life.
From people.
From everything
 Memories used to hold on tightly to me so I'd be able to live off of the good I used to have; but those memories have seemed to vanish and I'm left with the reality of everything.
I became to obsessed with fixing myself, I ruined everything else.
All I've ever known walked away from me, or I pushed it out and it stopped holding on so hard.
I destroyed the person I thought I was and thought I was someone new.
I'm just lost.
And I don't think I'm going to get out of this maze so easily.
This isn't going to magically get cured by a blog post, unlike everything else.
I don't put everything on here for the mere fact that people I know do read this blog often and can't share everything because the little you know is considered waaaayyyyy oversharing.
So if you don't get an update next month or for a little bit, its because I'm just going through some stuff that I need to figure out on my own.
Maybe I'll update later in the month to make up for this post.

Monday, February 1, 2016

It's Called Letting Go

Hey guys! If any of you remember my post from last month with Valerie, let's just say it was over and done with like 4 days later. It was a bit immature to blog about it before talking it out, but I feel as though if I didn't post about the situation, it wouldn't have gotten resolved.

Well, mostly. Some bits of it might last a few more weeks.

So what happened was that after the situation first happened, my boyfriend and our friend-- let's call them Charlie and Gavin. Gavin was really upset at me after it-- as anyone would. I was taking someone else's side (who wasn't entirely right). (Well, as everyone was.) I remember texting Charlie and texting Gavin and texting anyone I could think of to get some sense that I hadn't messed up as badly as I thought I had. Some sense that the voices screaming and shouting at me were wrong. Part of me was actually looking for food to fuel those demons. Part of me was looking for less reasons to the question "why not?" I don't know which one was truly me, but I know which side won.

Let me tell you, a reason "why not?" was gone. There was no one up because they were thinking about me. There was no one saying that they loved me that wasn't in the family or friend way. There was no one who had convinced me they loved me. There was no one who had known me since I was snot-nosed and a pest but never got annoyed at me. Charlie threw it all away and I'm not entirely sure what was the exact reason why-- but I can connect the dots.

I'm good now, I promise. But the protectant layer was shed that night.

If I'm not good enough to be broken up with by yourself, that you text your friend to text me? Then fuck the picture I thought would make me happy.

I could try to be my mother's dream. A catholic school poster child, with an angel smile and cookie cutter words and live life abiding to the rules and embrace the stereotype of my cheer team (which were the friends who got into the fight with Valerie); but after Charlie and Gavin and Jan and Julie and Malory and Marie and Trina, there was no need anymore to fight for those you care about because all they do is backstab you; it's middle school. No one cares about you, so I've decided to stop caring about myself.

I'll rot my insides and ditch the nice clothes and Drake; it's back to eyeliner and too-tight-and-too-sexy-for-my-age dresses and kissing boys and girls who don't even know my name.

It's drying my eyes because my eyes don't have room for emotions.

It's realizing that love is no longer being served, and giving the entrée of reality instead.

It's shattering the glass with bleeding knuckles and not letting myself be trapped anymore.

It's called letting go.

Monday, January 11, 2016

Anxiety & Outgrowing

How are you guys liking the new layout? Very pink and aesthetically pleasing, I know. So it is officially one week into 2016, and may I just say; it's not like 2015 yet. But that also might be because I've learned to get up from the table when love is no longer being served. Also, on that topic, it seems as though I'll be spending practically everyday with someone who forced me to stay and made me pay the bill. It feels as though I'm still in debt over it even though I've moved to a different table with people who will never stop ordering more love and give me theirs.

I have to spend everyday with him because he's in stage crew and I'm a lead in our school play. Whenever I sing or say a line, I hear him and his friends making fun of me and mimicking me; like I'm some goddamned joke. I also don't know all of my lines and our play is barely 3 weeks away. It feels as if he wants to drive my life into a living hell and spiral me back into the depression and suicidalness I tried to keep away from him. I don't know if I actually heard it or it was my anxiety that's making me think that they are.

Despite the fact that he's haunting me, I can say I've outgrown him and that I'm happier without him and I embrace that. But outgrowing is part of maturing, and it feels like I'm maturing with every breath.

A very good old friend of mine was being very disrespectful to some friends whom I genuinely care about as well, it's just that we don't know each other as well. This new group of friends tried to talk to my friend- let's call her Valerie- and asked her to stop and that for whatever they did wrong, they probably didn't mean it and that they're sorry and that they're always there if Valerie needed them. But Valerie is so stuck on hating them, she said some very mean words about the girls in this new group. Meaner than what she's said before. Talking about how none of us have any problems.

Valerie thinks that because we have a lot of friends and people know our names is because we're stuck up and bitchy and have no problems and push out anyone who doesn't have a picture perfect life. Valerie doesn't care that some of us have attempted suicide, some of us have depression, some of us have struggled with eating disorders, some of us have skin issues, some of us self harm, some of us have deep set health issues, some of us have divorced parents, some of us have deceased siblings, some of us had to literally beg our doctors to let us play sports, some of us have dealt with abuse (whether it be a family member struggling with substance abuse or an emotional/physical/verbally abusive boyfriend/girlfriend), some of us have chronic illnesses, and some of us have recovered from that. But, because we have a number of people we talk to, there's no problems; right, Valerie?

And, because of Valerie's outrageous cutthroat actions, I have decided to cut her out of my life as I have enough of that within my own family. Now, don't get me wrong, this has taken a LOT out of me to say enough is enough. Valerie has always been like this, but everyone has to say enough when they pass a breaking point.

When the glass cracks, that's when you give a warning. Foolishly, I didn't. When the glass breaks, that's when you start to fade away. I didn't for the sake of keeping my relationship with my boyfriend intact so I wouldn't lose him. When someone smashes the glass to dust, that's when you're supposed to smash someone's face in.

Granted, I didn't. I thought about it, but I don't do that. Why? Because I'll be overreacting. Because I'll only create even MORE problems, and I think I have enough as I'm stressing over college and getting over my ex and recovering.

So before someone comments "oh you left Valerie you're going to destroy her you're going to make her depressed" let me just tell you that when someone leaves, it's usually not because they were done using you. A lot of times, yes; but it usually isn't. Someone probably left you because they were either toxic for you or you were poisonous for them.